If you’ve heard that unexpressed emotion leads to illness, believe it. But all my emotion ever wanted was to be seen.

The Long Road Home

My journey started while I was driving around with the radio full blast making big plans. I was too busy to be tired, too busy to eat, too busy to notice that I was very sick and in fact dying. Out of the blue, I found myself on my couch gasping for breath. I called my doctor, was quickly driven to the emergency room, and found myself in the hospital ICU ward with Stage 5 Chronic Kidney Disease. My plans definitely did not include this.

After they ran every test imaginable, the doctor finally came in and pulled up a chair.  He didn’t sugarcoat it. “The reason you’re having chest pains is that your blood pressure is 210. You’re lucky you didn’t have a stroke. The reason your blood pressure is through the roof is that your kidneys have failed. They’re only running at 10% capacity. Tomorrow you need to start emergency dialysis.  Your husband should get you anything you need.  You’re going to be here a while.” 

You know you’re in trouble when the nurse asks you if you want to see a priest or a rabbi. As it turned out, I almost died that night.  But as the orderlies wheeled me in the gurney up to my room, I heard a voice. The voice said, “This is a gift.”  I didn’t know who said it; I just knew it wasn’t me. 

I Think You’re Going to be Here Awhile

My CKD diagnosis baffled the doctors. There was no family history, no diabetes, I was in good health, had an active life that included teaching Pilates. I began doing my own research and came across an article about Chinese medicine that linked different emotions to the organs of the body. The kidneys are associated with Fear. Bingo.

I had a chaotic upbringing filled with uncertainty and trauma like so many people. Of the responses to fear: fight, flight, or fawn, I chose to fawn as my survival skill. I was the mediator, the translator, the mindreader of my family.  I used all my energy to anticipate, negotiate, and intercept any event that would spill into anger and chaos. 

The next day the doctors put an emergency port in my chest to allow access to the dialysis hookup. Thus began my year on dialysis, five hours three days a week.  Dialysis is hard, but it saved my life. I also met some of the most inspiring people I will ever meet.  My sister tested to become my organ donor a year later, and we were a perfect match. Thanks to my sister, I was fortunate enough to receive a kidney transplant.

After my transplant, I spent a lot of time recovering on my couch, trying to imagine what kind of life I would be able to have. I knew I wanted to help other people going through what I was going through.  

I started by becoming a Certified Health Coach.  Being on dialysis had taught me the benefits of nutrition as preventative medicine. Working with clients wanting to improve their physical health was rewarding,  but I knew there was a missing piece. What about the people that were not going to get better?

Would You Like to Become a Spiritual Coach?

When I saw a post on Instagram that read, “Would You Like to Become a Spiritual Coach?” I knew that this was the missing piece I was searching for.  While nutrition is essential, it didn’t address the deeper issues of inner healing like lack of self-love, outdated beliefs, forgiveness, and especially discovering the wounded parts of ourselves. So I enrolled in the coaching program, and my life has never been the same.

The spiritual coaching program was challenging like no other. I had never done inner before, and it was intense.  I went to the dark places in my past that I never thought I’d be able to face.  But keeping my emotions buried was much more painful, and even dangerous, than bringing them to light.  I began clearing past wounds that years of therapy hadn’t touched by doing deep inner work.  As astounding as this sounds, I am in the process of healing my past.

I needed to see and feel my hurt, not just understand it. With the help of my teachers, I was able to face down demons that I buried deep inside. In doing so, I came to realize that they weren’t demons at all but wounded parts of myself that needed my attention, compassion, and love.  I found my frightened inner child and learned how to love her.  I became my own self-healer. Doing this work has given meaning to everything I’ve gone through. 

Inner work and self-discovery is an ongoing process. My teachers who introduced me to my spiritual healing journey still coach me. This journey has become my way of life. And I finally understood what the words, “This is a gift” meant.  My body had to fail to save me.  The gift is my discovery of compassion for all the forgotten parts of myself. The gift is finding them and bringing them home to my heart. And even if I get sick again, I know, whatever happens, I will be ok. XO